Journeying towards Life

REFLECTIONS ON MY RECENT JOURNEY

I am writing so that I don’t forget

Destruction, catastrophe, war

Planets turning to dust

My home gone

Again and again

Relentless and exhausting

It feels like lifetime upon lifetime of struggling for survival

Then the fights starts

The fight in me

I am in a loop

Fighting for survival

Fighting for women

Fighting to protect the beauty and grace of divinity itself

Shapeshifting

I have to hold on

It can’t have been for nothing

All that suffering

Fighting

Relentless

It has to have meant something

It I let go, give in, then it was all for nothing

Like groundhog day

I suddenly find myself back at the start

Asking the question again

It can’t have been for nothing

It must have meant something

Waiting for death

Lifetime after lifetime

Can that really be my pattern

Every time the loop starts I realise I am losing consciousness

I am dying again

But I can’t hold onto life

I am trying so hard

But each time I get close I fall again

Into the abyss

I hold on so tight to you

Do it for me

Hold onto me

Make me stay

And again I have gone

Died another death

Left you again

Why do you keep leaving me

Then I fall into an abyss like no other

This must be Hell

This is what evil looks like

Then my heart and stomach is wrenched from me

This can’t have been me

I can’t have done those things

I am humanity

And humanity has done these things

So I must take responsibility

Too much to forgive

I am not worthy of forgiveness

No-one and nothing could forgive this

And yet you do?

I see your vastness

Your beauty

Your grace

Your immense love

Nothing can be this big

I hear myself repeating over and over again

It can’t be this big

It just can’t be this big

It is beyond comprehension

Asking the question over and over again

You can’t possibly forgive this

Is it to vile,

Too evil,

Too unspeakable in its hatred

And yet you do

Even this?

Yes

I am gone again

I can’t stay

I see that I am not only the divine feminine

I am the masculine

I have been the perpetrator as well as the protector and saviour

I have been hate and the love

Heaven and hell

How can I accept this

How can I be forgiven

How can I take responsibility for this

Only by accepting forgiveness

But it is too big

Death is the only release

The only way back to you

You keep pushing me over and over again

To awaken

Awakening me to life not death

I am shapshifting over and over again

Another But

Another No

Another forgetting

Another way to ask the question

I can’t be worthy of forgiveness

The fight goes on

I hear you saying

Asking not less than everything

I hear myself saying

Even that

You leave with me literally nothing

Even that you will take

Yes, even that

I will be stripped bare

You leave me nothing

NO nothing

There is a relief in this too

But I don’t know how to surrender it

I want you to take it

I want you to hold onto me and take all you want

Leave me with nothing

But I don’t know how do give it to you

Each time I try, I lose my way and fall

I leave you and have to find my way back over and over again

I am so tired of the journey back to you

Take all I have and let me stay

But I Have to choose to stay

I beg you to hold onto me

I hold on tight

Then I see you

You died so I can stop dying

I feel fear wracking through my belly

This was the last death

The death that means I can live

It is the same as my last death

If I so choose

A glass of water

I can’t get my lips to it

Every fibre of my body is resisting

I literally cannot move

I am paralysed

If I take this, Then what

Can it be this hard

I am trying so hard I promise

And then I take a sip

It takes all my resolve

All my strength

I see the incredible blue light

I feel it seep into my blood

Now what

Maybe now I can choose to stay

Tentatively I feel myself let go of you

I am still here

I can stay

I hear the roar

It is mine

And again

A roar

My voice,

I am here

Maybe now at last I can rest

I do

I lie down

The fight is still there

Even in the rest

More gentle now

The loop is not over

I hear your voice

It is in surrender that you are born to eternal life

I know these words have been said before but now they are being said to me

But I can’t forget

I must not forget

I am terrified of forgetting

If I surrender I will forget

I have fought through many lifetimes to hold onto remembering

Then you tell me

Even the forgetting is included

I died so you can live

And I see that living means choosing to stay

Surrendering

Trusting

Faith

When I stop dying every time I reach the edge

Then I become the remembering